A Review of Tonight´s Stay in ... Alcala

Through the center of town, a pair of semi bilingual, dashing-in-reflective-yellow police lead Mike and me out of the quaint center and toward our night´s stay. To our dismay, we find no elevator for our heavy bikes. Luckily, it was only two flights to the bullet proof door ouf our door knob-free abode.

After one cop kindly checked the apartment for intruders, he announced a resounding ¨welcome home¨and we entered for the night. All too soon, it became apparent, ¨for the night¨ was quite literally true, as this suite came with no key. Thankfully, it locked.

We questioned the decorator´s intent in the living room. The white plaster walls were bare, save for a few spots of mold, artistically placed without symmetry, an apparent testament to the designer´s post modern training. Ten chairs of varying era (decades) and colors contrasted this simplicity. The lighting was sparse. In fact, there was none.

A radio had been placed in the armour, but did not work. It seems that the lights were not broken, but rather that there was no electricity, playing to the taste of those used to cabins. A graciously sized aerosol can of bug spray stood next to the radio, but was of no concern, for it is not intended for cockroaches. Possibly the green tarp on the floor had suffocated them.

In the kitchen, we found the source of the chair abundance. One stood at the dining room table, the other pushed against the closet door (and that´s it...). Unlike the living room, this presented a very urban approach. There is no stove. No oven. No dishwasher. No fridge. There is a sink (a double basin!), but it does not drain. Hot and cold water spigots are included, but only cold water flows. This all makes food preparation somewhat difficult, thought not impossible, as shown by a left over plate of cheese and a knife placed perpendicular to it by the previous guest.

Along the hallway lie three bedrooms and a bathroom. In one, a la college, a triple bed has been formed from three singles shoved together. The room merely awaits gigantic sheets and is otherwise ready to go. The bunk room affords many accoutrement, including a drying rack (empty top bunk) and a doubly stacked mattress. The night is cold (high altitude, no heat), but startlingly heavy blankets are included. The third room had the least mold and thus was this reviewer´s choice of stay. Two single beds were neatly pushed up against opposing walls and a steel-framed window shed light. Both beds were adorned with blankets (ten pounds each); one had a pillow, while the other included a man´s coat and a newspaper (20 days old), explaining the origin of the dirty cheese.

The bathroom, we recommend, should remain tightly closed off. The sink, again, runs only cold, making us wary of using the tub. The toilet is of the antique variety, possessing a pull down handle from above. No word on its function, however, as this reviewer was frightened by its apparently ¨well used¨nature (and aroma).

All in all, the piso includes most of what anyone would need, save for those of a first world origin. We leave you with some notes:
a) Do not worry about catching the local futbol game, as it is heard clearly through the walls, even with the windows closed.
b) We advise relieving yourself in the double basin sink, as to prevent the spread of the toilet´s aroma.
c) We do NOT advise loud talking, as it may feel safer if the neighbors consider the flat abandoned.
d) As an extra precaution, feel free to use the extra chairs to barricade all entry points.
e) You can spit or drop crumbs just about anywhere you wish, guilt free.
f) Moderate drinking may make sleeping come more easily, while heavy drinking may allow you to forget where you are.

The place is well worth the price ($0) and can be found by asking the chief of police where you can camp.